


Minute by Minute

by SteadyLittleSoldier



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sleeping Pills, plot of Skam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 02:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteadyLittleSoldier/pseuds/SteadyLittleSoldier
Summary: "Is there anything I can do?"“No, not really. Just be there. And when everything seems hopeless, take one day at a time. And if one day becomes too much, just take one hour at a time. And if one hour becomes too much, then just take one minute at a time.”





	Minute by Minute

**December 2018**

 

For the first few weeks, I had simply forgotten to tell him. I was so happy. I had forgotten.

For a while, I thought I was having a manic episode. Maybe I was. I couldn’t tell anymore. I was _ecstatic_. I was in love and it took me a long time to realize. How to differentiate between manic and pure joy, I didn’t know. The smile on my face the whole time I spent with him was a sign but I was too busy watching him to notice my own happiness. But now I noticed the absence of it.

 

Timmy didn’t want to talk to me. Who could blame him? Perhaps he even hated me. Disgusted with me. The shame I couldn’t handle. When Elizabeth went to take a shower, I dragged my weak limbs out of bed and dug out my old prescription. I’ve always looked older than my age.

My parents wanted me home after the incidence. I refused and they allowed it. I needed a bit of time - I had told them. But in truth, I didn’t want to be smothered. They knew Elizabeth could handle me, I thought so too. I slept a lot, I knew. So it was the hours between that she had to endure me. But the few hours of consciousness was… not unbearable, but hard.

The girl behind the counter didn’t hesitate to hand me the pills. I took three on the spot. Elizabeth had thrown out all the pills that I could use, or rather, abuse. The necessary ones she hid very well. I shoved the rest in my pocket. What would Timmy say, I thought. Then I remembered that Timmy wouldn’t have say anything now. I disgusted him anyway.

Elizabeth was frantic when I got home. She blabbered on the phone about me getting back home. I supposed she had contacted my parents and possibly 911. She asked me where I went without my phone. I made up something about needing some air.

“Can you please tell me before you decide to leave the bed?”

“Yes.”

She deserved at least that. Actually, she deserved more, so much more. She was the only one who stuck around through everything. I probably would have ended up dead years ago if it wasn’t for her. She took care of me in more ways than I could appreciate or even know.

 

I just want to sleep - I always told myself that.

 

Maybe one day Timmy would forgive me, he was in college after all. But for now, I didn’t want to ponder on the matter, on Timmy, because the memories were stained now, with pain, guilt, and shame.

So when Elizabeth made sure that I could trust my legs again, she allowed it when I wanted to go for a walk as long as I notified her every half an hour. Only because she never found the pills. They were still in my pocket.

My legs naturally took me to our campus.

The bench under the maple tree - we smoked our first joint here, not that it meant anything now. The tree was almost barren now. Under the yellow light of the lamppost, they were collecting snow and turning grey with the winter - the tree and bench both - trying to cling onto only hope of summer and deceiving themselves.

In the distance, the muted sound of Christmas carols could be heard. Was it Christmas eve already? My mother would have called. I checked my phone: it was December 16th. 8:53 pm. There was a chapel nearby, I knew. I’ve been there.

But this was not what brought me here.

I entered the building. The auditorium on the first floor. Then I entered the toilets. It was empty, of course. As it was that night. Except I had known then that it wasn’t actually empty. I had followed him in here. A terrible place for a first meeting but as fate would have it, I had bent the shy boy into talking to me here. He’d thought that was very sly of me, he’d said, but he didn’t know I was every bit as shy as he was. What had driven me into pretending to be confident was the sheer need to know him, to let him know that those hazel eyes were to blame for revealing everything that he tried to hide, he was fooling no one.

 

I needed to tell him things. It wasn’t necessary that he should hear them. I was already too far away from him. I took my phone out of my pocket, the pills came out with it. I start typing without any intention of actually sending it.

 

 

 

> _Dear Timmy,_

**Author's Note:**

> if i wake up tomorrow and hate it more than i hate it right now, i might delete it... :I


End file.
